


All your perfect imperfections

by jvngfs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:42:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5006890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Joonmyun notices Jongin is self-conscious of his body, he becomes obsessed with helping him getting rid of his dark thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All your perfect imperfections

**Author's Note:**

> Initially written for the Cuddly Bros fic fest.

Joonmyun knows. Joonmyun knows because it's his job to know. He has to watch over his members; even the little things they try their best to hide, he has to dig out and discover them. Like this, he can protect and help them and that's something Joonmyun is careful to do. Because of this, he's aware that Chanyeol is eating ramyun when everyone's asleep even though their manager told them not to. He can tell Sehun is the most anxious when they're about to go on stage even if he always pretends he isn't. He can see when Yixing's back is hurting from too much dancing. His observation skills sharpened when he became a leader and that's why they can't have any secrets for him.

Joonmyun does his best to make things easy for his members, to make sure they're doing well and to reassure them even when he, himself is having a hard time.

He doesn't tell on Chanyeol to their manager. He rests his hand on the small of Sehun's back when they're squeezed in a line before climbing up the stairs to the stage to calm him down. He massages Yixing's back when it hurts too much and lets him off practice when it's becoming too much to bear.

He knows all that and yet it takes him months to notice what's going on with Jongin. They met years ago - when they were still trainees - and until that day Joonmyun blindly believed he knew everything there was to know about Jongin. He never worried too much because Jongin is bright and hard working and passionate and he isn't one to hide his feelings. Usually Joonmyun has to go see his members to learn about their worries and problems but he never needed to with Jongin. He always comes on his own to rest his head on his shoulder when he's reading in his room and talks to Joonmyun like it's the most natural thing he has ever done. Joonmyun kneads his back and listens to him and helps him when he can and then Jongin is back to being himself.

Joonmyun always thought it was because they managed to build mutual trust over the years and Jongin always felt comfortable around him. It turns out, Joonmyun was totally wrong.

It starts with Jongin locking the door when he showers. Nobody ever locks the door because there are lots of them and always at least one of the members who needs to use the toilet or to brush his teeth or do some stuff in the bathroom. But one morning, Baekhyun gets irritated as he's late for his schedule and has to knock twenty times and to pester Jongin before he opens the door for him to come in. Jongin has already showered, droplets of water from his hair falling on his pink sweater. Joonmyun sees him from where he's seated at the kitchen table and it doesn't hit him that it has been months since he last saw Jongin wear a t-shirt at home. For a few seconds, his eyes get lost following one drop coming down his cheek to die down on the unblemished skin of his neck before Jongin is gone in his room. He vaguely hears Baekhyun curse under his breath from the bathroom.

Joonmyun doesn't think that much about this incident at first because everyone needs a bit of privacy - especially when you're living with eight loud men in one apartment.

He starts to worry one month later when Jongin gets into an argument with one of the stylists after she tried to persuade him to wear a pair of skinny jeans and a revealing white t-shirt. Usually Jongin would have put on the clothes without thinking twice and even smiles at the ladies' gasps once he would have bent down and let them catch a glimpse of his collarbones and tanned torso. But today Jongin refuses to wear the clothes and the stylist scolds him, exasperated until Joonmyun butts in and lies that Jongin is a bit sick today and should rather wear something thicker. Once the stylist agrees, still sighing, and hands him a thin beige sweater, Jongin glances toward him and nods as a thank you.

Joonmyun thinks about that situation all day long until they're back in the dorm and Jongin locks himself up in the bathroom again, only to come out twenty minutes later with an even thicker sweater on. He starts to wonder if this has been going on for a while without him knowing or if he's overthinking it and Jongin just doesn't like the exposing clothes anymore. After all he could just need some time for himself.

 

He goes to see him in his room when the others are all busy playing games or dozing off in front of the TV. He enters the room only after knocking lightly twice and Jongin told him to come in.

He's seated on his bed, looking something up on his phone that he puts away when Joonmyun enters. "Let's talk," he tells him and Jongin frowns slightly.

"What is it, hyung?" he asks as Joonmyun sits on the edge of the bed carefully. He takes a good look at Jongin, at the way he is tucking at the end of his sleeves like he thinks the sweater isn't big enough to cover all of him and he suddenly feels sorry for not noticing earlier.

Joonmyun puts his warm hand above Jongin's leg and he almost jumps. It surprises Jongin too because usually he enjoys skin ship a lot. "You don't have anything to tell me?," he starts tentatively to give him a chance to talk on his own like he usually does but Jongin shakes his head, burying his face a little bit more into the collar of his clothe, like Joonmyun's eyes on him are suddenly the most burdensome thing he ever experienced.

"No hyung, is something wrong?," his voice is a bit quiet and Joonmyun can't remember when Jongin became so unsmiling.

Joonmyun squeezes Jongin's leg lightly. "It's just that I noticed a few things since a while ago," he looks at Jongin's expression which remains unchanged, "Like that you started locking the door when you're showering," he trails off and Jongin's face darkens. He diverts his eyes like he doesn't want to talk about it.

"It's okay, Jongin, you can talk to me," he tries with the voice he uses to appease his members but Jongin only tenses a bit more. "I just want to help you," he reminds him.

Jongin shifts uncomfortably, "It's nothing, hyung, really. You don't have to worry about me." But just that is enough to make Joonmyun worries and he scouts a little closer so he can seize Jongin's hand. It's cold and it remains inert against his fingers.

"Jongin," he warns and Jongin's head jerks upward to look at him, "Tell me what is wrong and I'll help you fix it," he offers gently but Jongin doesn't bulge.

"It's not something you can fix," he says and Joonmyun inhales quietly, wondering what could be torturing Jongin that he can't even fix it.

"At least tell me, I'll do my best to help you, you know it," he reassures him. "Why is it that you always wear those thick sweaters are home?," he asks, glancing toward the grey sweater Jongin is wearing that's so big that you can barely distinguish any form inside. "What happened that you don't feel comfortable when people are looking at you anymore?"

"It's just-," Jongin starts but his voice cracks and Joonmyun begins to rub his thumb against the soft skin of his hand to encourage him to keep going. "It's just that I feel nervous when people are looking at me," he blushes slightly and Joonmyun tightens his hold on his hand, "I feel like people are judging me and my body and-," a tear suddenly pours out of his left eye, "I just want to hide away."

Joonmyun lets out a shaky exhale, suddenly aware of how much he must have neglected Jongin to be this ignorant of his feelings. He leans forward until he can pass his arm around Jongin's neck and bring him to his chest, hugging him tightly as to tell him that it's okay now because he's here. "I'm so sorry I didn't know," he apologizes but Jongin shakes his head weakly against his chest, answering that he's the one who's sorry for making him worry.

He lets Jongin cry against him for a while, rubbing soothing circles against his back until his breathing calm down and even though he can still feel the wetness of Jongin's tears in his neck, he also knows he won't let him down now. "You know," he starts, almost whispering, "I'll never judge you," he tells him and Jongin replies a quiet "i know, hyung". "I never thought you looked weird or anything," he continues, "actually you look handsome and beautiful and absolutely perfect in every way," he wanted to say that to give Jongin his confidence back but as he says it, he can tell that he's being honest; Jongin always looked great and Joonmyun never really took the time to admire him, taking it for a given because he is Kai and his member but now that he thinks about it, Jongin's body is one of the best he has ever seen, from his lanky legs to his thick lips and up to his dark silk hair.

Jongin doesn't answer but he hugs him back, mumbling a quick thank you when Joonmyun finally lets go. "Try to sleep tonight," he advices him as he stands up to leave. Jongin suddenly looks really young and really tiny, lying there in this sweater way too large for him and with eyes full of relief and hope directed to him. Joonmyun knows he has to do all he can to help him, to erase the desperation and sadness in his gaze.

 

During the next few days, Joonmyun tries to observe Jongin, to see how he could help him. He knows that telling him he looks good and that he shouldn't be so self conscious is a good thing that will help him regain his confidence but it is probably not enough to make him let go of his sweaters or to stop him from jumping and frowning each time someone make a reference to any part of his body.

It must be hard for him, especially when they are outside or on stage and he has to display himself in front of thousands of fans and cameras capturing in incredible high quality pictures each single part of him. Jongin tries not show it too much and to be professional about it but now that Joonmyun is aware, he can't stop noticing the way he flinches when a fan comes a little too close at the airport or when Baekhyun throws comments in the car about him being overly sexy during the performance earlier. At time like this, Joonmyun puts a reassuring hand over his shoulder and tells him that it's okay but still, Jongin doesn't smile as brightly as he used to anymore, not now when he can't comfortably go around without shaking from anxiety and glancing around to see if people are staring.

It breaks Joonmyun's heart to see him like this and that's why he decides that he should do something about it, find a way to make Jongin understands that he doesn't need to change anything because all his imperfections, he can't see them. And if he sees them, they're still beautiful.

 

He waits a few days, until they find themselves in their dorm again and he sends Kyungsoo and Chanyeol to go sleep in another room because he wants to spend time with Jongin. They don't protest as they are used to change rooms once in a while when they fight or when Joonmyun insists on doing some team bonding.

Jongin looks almost surprised to see him there when he comes in with his cushion and a change of clothes. "Hyung, what are you doing?," he inquires with widening eyes and a bit of panic in his voice.

"I'm just staying here the night so we can talk," he answers casually. Jongin nods slowly, unsure of what it means but glad Joonmyun is willing to spend time with him like this.

He put his stuff on Kyungsoo's bed and then comes to sit next to him - on the same exact spot he sat a few days earlier. "Are you feeling better?," he asks. "Since the last time we talked, I mean." Concern must appear on his features because Jongin hastens to tell him not to worry too much. But it's Joonmyun's job to worry. He can't help it. "Be honest," he orders with with a sweet tone and Jongin shifts uncomfortably.

"Not really," he admits finally. "I can't control it, hyung. I try really hard not to think too much but I just feel anxious whenever I have to put my clothes off or to expose myself."

Jongin's honest words make Joonmyun realize two things. The first one is that the problem is more important than he thought it was; it isn't just a slight sudden discomfort coming from Jongin but a real anxiety. And then, he's nicely surprised to see how much Jongin trust him to be able to open up about this with him. It makes him think that he should do something about that; that if Jongin trusts him enough to tell him that he can't let him down.

He puts his hand on his leg once again. "When did it start?," he inquires, curious and wondering what he can do to get rid Jongin's nervousness and embarrassment about his body.

"I don't know. A few months ago. I just gradually became more and more self conscious of people watching me and now it's just like this all the time." Jongin's voice is small but Joonmyun pays attention to every words.

He thinks about it for a few minutes and then decides that since he is the only one Jongin opened to and is willing to share his concerns with, he has to do something. And that is that he should show Jongin that his body is perfectly normal and even particularly well proportioned.

First of all, he decides that he should go step by step and should start by asking Jongin to stop wearing sweaters and hiding when they're together. If he can get him to be relaxed around him, it would be the first step to his recovery.

"I want you to be comfortable around me," he says. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of," he adds and reaches for the hem of Jongin's sweater. He knows he's pushing it and should take things slowly but their whole lives revolve around their bodies and performances and he hates to see the uneasiness in Jongin's eyes each time he goes down the stage after his solo with his wet shirt sticking to his skin and his hands hurrying to cover the exposure.

"What are you doing?" Jongin squeaks as Joonmyun starts to raise up his sweater to expose a tiny piece of skin. He pushes Joonmyun's hand away, retreating ever farther away in his bed.

Joonmyun sighs. "Jongin, I'm trying to help you," he tells him. "I'm trying to show you that you shouldn't be nervous because there's nothing wrong with you," he repeats and a glimpse of hesitation passes through Jongin's eyes. "Show it to me," he says, looking at him with his gentle eyes. "Just show it to me. You trust me, right?"

Jongin breathes out a quiet "yeah" immediately and Joonmyun feels relieved. Somehow he always knew he was the only one that could help Jongin. He wants Jongin to be comfortable around him, to convince him that he looks stunning no matter what he does and that he shouldn't let anyone put him down.

Jongin hesitates for a few seconds, scrutinizing Joonmyun's face as to be sure he isn't lying and he must find what he's looking for because he finally raises up his sweater just enough to slide it up his body and to reveal the lean figure and sharp curves Joonmyun is familiar with. He almost blushes just looking at him, at the way the muscles of his stomach flex as he takes off the clothe and put it away.

He glances toward Jongin's face and it's red, biting his lower lip and fists gripping the sheets like he's fighting the urge to cover his bare body with his hands. But he isn't and that's a good sign.

Tentatively, almost like he's asking for Jongin's approval, Joonmyun directs his hands to his naked skin, brushing it with his fingertips and reveling in the way Jongin flinches under his touch. When his hand finally meets Jongin's stomach, cold against warm skin, his heart flips in his chest as he tries to control the urge to bend down and lose himself into the pure beauty of Jongin's body, instead he asks, "Is this okay?"

Jongin shifts a bit, still tensed and speaks with a hoarse voice. "It's okay," he says. "Just... unusual."

Joonmyun hums, agreeing that it isn't something he does every day and he never touched Jongin that way before, with such awe and desire burning in his stomach but he wants to do that for him, to make him feel loved and desired and to brush off all his insecurities.

He starts stroking the skin slowly, amazed at how easily his fingers slide along its softness, and keeping his eyes on Jongin's face to watch his reaction, he looks embarrassed, diverting his eyes but the way he almost jumps when Joonmyun's nail graze against his nipple doesn't lie; he enjoys it too.

He goes down from his shoulder to his ribs, tickling the slightly appearing bones there and then he gets lost in the thin line of his abs and the never ending expense of tanned skin before him.

Jongin finally relaxes, his breathing becoming deeper and his fists uncurling to rest at his sides. He follows with his eyes and his mouth slightly parted the pattern of Joonmyun's white hand, contrasting drastically with his own skin, letting out small gasps when he kneads a bit too hard at his sides or when he stops to press at his nipple.

"You look perfect the way you are, Jongin," Joonmyun praises him once again, wanting to do more, to prove him that he means it, that he loves touching his beautiful skin and finds him flawless. "You don't need to change or to hide anything."

And as to prove his point, he nears him and lowers his head to his collarbone to press kisses there and up to the smooth skin of his neck.

Jongin looks like an artwork, his figure sculpted by dancing and work out and his features; pure and singular. Joonmyun could spend hours roaming his hands over those long lines and elastic curves. He would love to explore the extent of spotless skin of his back or the firmness of his legs down to the arch of his feet and toes.

Joonmyun wants to make sure Jongin is liking it and for that, he licks and mouths at the soft tanned skin of his chest, trailing down to his stomach, stopping to nip at his belly button and Jongin's back arches involuntarily. "You look perfect, Jongin," he whispers against his hipbone and Jongin starts trembling slightly, torn between believing Joonmyun and surrender to his touch or pushing him away and putting his sweater back on.

"Don't say that," he replies in a quiet voice as Joonmyun is fixing the rapid heaving of his torso which is only a few inches away from his mouth.

He moves a little bit closer again, goosebumps forming on Jongin's skin and he speaks in a hushed voice. "I'm serious, Jongin. I wouldn't lie to you." He presses a kiss down the valley of his stomach, right above the waistband of his jeans, and Jongin's breath hitches.

Then, Joonmyun backs away, lets out a deep exhale, pretending he can't feel his cock pulsing in his pants and he isn't doing this because he likes it too. Jongin almost whines when Joonmyun breaks all contact but bites the inside of cheeks really hard instead.

"Does it make you feel better?" he asks, suddenly really serious and worry back in his voice. He cocks his head as Jongin seems to take a few seconds to think about it.

"Ye-yeah, it does," he finally lets out, holding Joonmyun's gaze and the blush on his cheeks intensifying.

Joonmyun seems satisfied, standing up, a bit stiff and going back to sit on Kyungsoo's bed. He thinks that if he has to touch and tells Jongin he looks amazing every day to make him feel better, he will. However, he's aware that he shouldn't go too far, considering that Jongin is one of his bandmate and someone who looks up to him.

Still, as he falls asleep that night it's with a mind filled of images of Jongin's warm skin under his palms and with the resounding sound of Jongin's breath in his ears. He wonders what it means, if he should tell Jongin or their manager but decides not to, not until Jongin is fine again.

 

The next few days, Jongin does a little better. He stops complaining to the stylists and stops trying to hide behind Chanyeol's height when they're outside, but inside, in the intimacy of their dorm, nothing changes. Joonmyun catches him glancing at Sehun going around in his underwear and grinding his teeth, tucking at the hem of sweater like he's afraid it isn't long enough. He still goes around dressing up in those thick sweaters of his even if spring is nearing and it's already scorching hot outside. The others start noticing too, teasing him that their dancing machine, sexy Kai, is being weird and it only makes Jongin withdraw into himself a bit more. Joonmyun hates it. He tells the others to stop it but they don't take him that seriously and even when he bends over between rehearsal or when they're squeezed in the car, to whisper to him not to worry because he looks beautiful, it doesn't help.

 

He waits until they're scheduled a trip to Jeju-do to film a commercial to decide to do something about it. He informs the members that he'll be rooming with Jongin this time and not with Sehun like he usually does. None of them really care because Joonmyun has a good relationship with all of them, but Jongin notices, his head springing up when he says it and staring at him for long seconds like he is wondering what Joonmyun has in mind.

The weather is nice, the sea not to far and the sun is shinning high in the sky. It's not hot enough to swim but Chanyeol and Sehun are already going around wearing t-shirts. Jongin, on the contrary, seems to become more and more tiny inside those huge clothes that make sweat dribble down his neck but he still refuses to take them off.

"How is it going?," Joonmyun inquires, a hint of guiltiness in his voice, as they're unpacking in their room. Jongin glances toward the window overlooking the balcony and in the distance, the blue sea. He seems to think about it like he knows he can't lie to Joonmyun.

"It's going... fine. I guess." A pause. "I don't really know." Another pause and Joonmyun waits patiently. "I did feel better after last time and what you told me- what you tell me everyday but-," he sighs loudly, frowning. "I just can't get rid of the thoughts in my head, telling me that I look weird and embarrassing and-"

"You don't," Joonmyun cuts him off. "I hate seeing you like this," he says more to himself than to Jongin. "And the others and the fans will start noticing, especially if you keep wearing those clothes." He gestures toward Jongin's sweater who simple nods; he already knows.

Joonmyun is aware that being Exo's Kai must be hard for Jongin. They built him an image of a sexy, erotic dancer who displays his body confidently for the fans to see. The problem is that Jongin isn't Kai and the constant attention and remarks to his appearance changed his way of seeing things.

Joonmyun can't stand seeing Jongin sad. He wants to show him that he shouldn't care, that he looks dazzling the way he is. Because he really does.

 

He thinks about it the whole day, during the shooting and when they ask Jongin to lift up his t-shirt and to bite his lips or when Baekhyun mocks him that he has no fashion sense.

He thinks about it and comes to the conclusion that he should show Jongin how much he is loved and how much admiration he has for him, for his body and his personality. He should show him that he has nothing to be ashamed of because each part of him he wants to touch them and worship them and kiss them until he can't kiss anymore.

 

It's only after they're back in their room and Jongin locked himself in the bathroom once again that he resolves himself to do something. He waits patiently until Jongin comes out, another sweater and thick sweatpants already back on.

"Jongin," he says, getting up from the bed and coming to wrap a hand around his bicep to lead him to sit with him on the bed. Jongin jumps but lets himself be guided. "You can't keep up like this," he announces dead serious.

"I know. I'm sorry." Jongin is aware of how hard it's becoming and how complicated it is making his life when it's already exhausting without this but he can't help it. He can't help but feel ugly and not good enough and the hours spent in the practice room don't make up for his lack of self confidence anymore.

"I'll help you, okay?" Joonmyun whispers, patting his back and Jongin nods, a hint of distress passing through his eyes.

Joonmyun moves a little bit closer, until he can put his hands under Jongin's sweater and the feel of the soft skin under his fingers already makes arousal pool in his belly. He pushes back those thoughts at the back of his head, conscious he has to make Jongin feel good and loved before caring about himself. He riles up the clothe and Jongin obediently raises his arms so he can slide it off.

He lets out a sigh of relief seeing that Jongin is comfortable enough around him to let him do this.

Jongin shivers when he lets his hands wander around his shoulders and torso, enjoying the silk of the skin and the way Jongin slowly gives up to his touch like he did last time, resting on his elbows and fixing the movement of Joonmyun's hands on him like he's hypnotized.

Joonmyun leans forward tentatively until his lips meet Jongin's collarbone and he kisses there, like he did last time, mouthing at the beautiful skin until he hears him gasp quietly when he reaches the hot spot behind his ear. He stays there a bit longer, his tongue darting out to tease the smooth epidermis and Jongin's hand comes to grip his arm in a desperate attempt to tell him that it's too much.

He backs off then to look at him and to judge whether he should continue or not but when he's met with Jongin's flushed cheeks and deep panting, he knows he has to. He wonders for a split second if all this is right, if he's really helping Jongin or if he's just making them play with their sexual frustrations. He shouldn't even feel attracted to Jongin in the first place, he's supposed to be his little brother but since he touched and kissed him last time, it became obvious that he had to do it again. Because it triggered something inside him he didn't know was there and he's pretty sure it was the same for Jongin.

He's even more sure when his gaze trails down Jongin's body to his pants where he can already see the underline of his cock and his breath hitches. For a second he thinks it might not be totally right to do that but then he reminds himself that he's doing this to help Jongin, to appease him and to make him feel loved.

"Is this okay?" he asks regardless as he fiddles with the hem of Jongin's sweatpants' waistband.

Jongin swallows hard, uncertainty taking over him but he knows it's okay because it's Joonmyun and his soft hand and his gentleness and his cock pulses in his underwear at the thought. "Yes, it's okay," he breathes out, wondering when he became so responsive to Joonmyun's touch or maybe he has always been but never dared to admit it.

Joonmyun strokes him slightly over his pants, blood thrumming in his ears when he feels Jongin twitch under his fingers and then he's sliding the ugly sweatpants down the lean lines of his legs. Soon Jongin's full body is sprawled in front of him and once again he wonders how he could have ever been self-conscious because he looks nothing but perfect.

But Jongin turns his head away anyway, like he doesn't want to see Joonmyun looking at him, like he hates the attention but Joonmyun works hard to erase those thoughts, running his hands all over his legs, brushing the inside of his thighs, leaning to kiss his ankles and the insides of his knees, watching with amazement his toes curl in pleasure. He comes to tickle his waist and to lick his hipbones, sucking on the bone and tasting on his tongue the peculiar taste of his skin.

Jongin moans for the first time, sound distinct and hand raising on its own will to tangle into Joonmyun's locks. Joonmyun suddenly feels proud, feels Jongin's barriers slowly scattering and his muscles relaxing under his touch and mouth.

He repeats a thousand time that Jongin looks perfect, each time he kisses a new part of his body, each time he encounters a new piece of tanned skin and quivering muscles.

When he's sure Jongin is relaxed enough and enjoying himself, he hooks a finger in his boxers and led them down his legs. "Hyung-," Jongin starts, obviously feeling exposed, him who doesn't bear showing even his arms in front of his members anymore but Joonmyun rests his hand on his quant stomach to calm him down.

"It's okay," he tells him again and his other hand takes his throbbing member and starts pumping slowly. Jongin's eyes widen and he lets out a choked moan that sends tickles down Joonmyun's stomach.

He's experimenting at first, searching for Jongin's eyes, trying to make sure he's enjoying it but then his pace accelerates, his movements become more certain and Jongin's hips buckle, flying off the bed and his nails digging into Joonmyun's forearm.

Joonmyun watches, mouth agape and fascinated, wondering at the back of his mind if it's really okay to do that with Jongin but he doesn't have time to think because suddenly Jongin drags him until they're lined up against each other, Joonmyun's hand still moving in between them but now Jongin can press needy kisses to Joonmyun's cheeks and enjoys his weight over him. It's almost as if he wants Joonmyun to cover all of him and be swallowed under his frame.

"Hyung, take off your clothes too," he whispers - or groans - against his ear after a while and Joonmyun's hold on his cock tightens at the sound of Jongin's hoarse voice. He doesn't notice the blush on Jongin's neck but instead steps back a little to look at him.

"No," he says, "I'm not supposed to-"

"Hyung," Jongin interrupts and he's almost pleading now like he does when he asks him when they're going to eat or if he can leave practice early today. However now Jongin is asking him to get undressed and he isn't sure he can really do that but then, as a painful reminder, he suddenly remembers the uncomfortable hard-on confined in his pants. He glances down and Jongin must have felt it too. He sees his hand still circling Jongin's leaking cock, precome dribbling down onto his stomach and making the tanned skin glisten in the dim light of the room.

"Okay, okay," he mumbles eventually, getting up, hands shaking and legs wobbly as he peels himself off his clothes. Jongin watches him, lying with his legs spread on the bed like he's waiting for him and Joonmyun has to take a few seconds to pull himself together.

When he's finally naked and he comes back to press himself fully against Jongin, warm skin against warm skin and hands coming to roam around his back and hips, he feels himself writhe. Jongin too, his panting intensifies and he bluntly directs his rough hand between them to encircled both of their shafts.

Joonmyun emits a surprise sound and then an exhale of pleasure as he feels their cocks slide against each other.

Jongin's legs spread and Joonmyun has to focus on a wrinkle of the sheets for a few seconds. "Oh god," he breathes out and then realizing that he shouldn't be the one enjoying himself, he forces himself to gather his whole attention on Jongin, trusting his hips gently, rubbing themselves together lightly.

Jongin starts sweating from this point, heavy breathing and palms flat onto Joonmyun's back to pull him closer and closer to him until he's fully covering him and he can feel his cock digging in his stomach.

"Hyung," he says quietly in the crook of his neck and Joonmyun stiffens. "I want more," he confesses and Joonmyun barely contains a moan as it might be the hottest thing he ever heard. But it's Jongin. And he can't do that. Not when they're dizzy with desire, in a hotel room in Jeju-do, a few hours before their next schedule and when he's supposed to be helping him. He's about to refuse when Jongin asks, "You can do that for me, right?"

Joonmyun swallows hard. "I don't think it's right Jongin."

"I want it, hyung," he tells him, rolling his hips against him as a proof but Joonmyun doesn't really need one as he's as aroused as he is. "Please," he adds and that's when Joonmyun surrenders. Jongin wants it and he's here to please Jongin and it's only right if he's doing what he's asking him to, as a good hyung, as a leader, he tells himself sensibly but the truth is, he's willing just as much as Jongin.

"Okay, okay," he agrees eventually and Jongin lets out a sigh of relief.

Joonmyun's hands tremble when he rummages through his things to find that little bottle of lube fans gave him as a joke months ago. He knows it's there somewhere and he knows it would go much faster he'd just calm down but he can't so he just fumbles around until he finds it and hurries himself back to the bed.

Jongin is still lying there, looking at him expectantly, stroking himself slowly but having brought the blanket over his torso as to hide himself.

"Don't," Joonmyun tells him, pulling at the hem of the sheet to pull it away from Jongin's body. He blushes again, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat but doesn't protest.

Joonmyun settles back between Jongin's legs, pushing at the inside of his thighs to make them spread a bit and Jongin obeys diligently, breathing hitching. He leans back to kiss his neck and cheeks as he fiddles with the bottle to open it.

He wets his fingers messily and then gripping one of Jongin's thigh as a support and scattering kisses over his ribs, he presses his fingers against his entrance. Jongin tenses, mumbling a quiet "hyung" and for a second Joonmyun is wondering if he's taking it too far, if he shouldn't be doing this but then his finger pushes in and Jongin moans clearly and distinctively and Joonmyun just stops thinking, only keeping his eyes open to look at Jongin squirming under his touch and muttering nonsense sentences.  
He waits for a while, putting three fingers in patiently, until Jongin stops clenching so hard around him and he's starting to press himself down on it like he wants more. "Just stop already," he says, impatient and Joonmyun obeys once again, pulling his fingers out and readjusting himself so he can look at Jongin's face.

He sees the desire in his gaze and the dark dilated pupils staring right back at him and he replies; "okay, I get it." He takes a deep breath as his hands slip behind Jongin's knees to lift them up and bend him a bit, just enough so he can settle between his legs.

Even just that is too much; Jongin's quivering thighs on each side of him, spread for him, waiting for him. "Okay, I'll do it," he tells him finally and he tries to remind himself he's doing that because he wants to make Jongin forget about his doubts and worries about his body, he wants to make him understand that he will always love each and every parts of him.

Jongin tenses a bit when he presses the tip of his cock at his entrance, but then Joonmyun is stroking his thighs and chest and everything he has access to and he relaxes.

He pushes in carefully, watching how Jongin's stomach contracts or how his teeth dig into his lower lip and he tries to control himself and not to start moving too fast. He wants to make it feel good for Jongin. It doesn't matter if it isn't pleasurable for him - even if it already is.

He pulls at Jongin's cock a few times while he waits for him to get accustomed to the stretch and it isn't long before Jongin grinds himself onto him and breathes out, "You can move now."

Joonmyun doesn't need to be told twice and he begins rolling his hips slowly at first, staring at Jongin's slender body shivering under him. His frame is a perfect mix between strength and grace and Joonmyun finds it fascinating, unable to comprehend how Jongin could have ever felt so self conscious about it.

Jongin's moans increase slowly, becoming deeper and deeper and when he wraps his legs around Joonmyun's waist to bring him even closer, that's when he loses it and starts a frantic pace, thrusting forward almost too roughly, only stopping here and there to press in deeper and to enjoy the way Jongin's voice tends to crack when he does that, probably because the head of his cock hits that spot that has Jongin's back arching and him panting against his cheek.

Joonmyun finds it amazing, he's almost proud, the way Jongin doesn't think about hiding his body anymore but is slowly succumbing to him.

He wraps his hand around Jongin's cock in the middle of it and starts pulling at it just as roughly - because it's what Jongin seems to like and he focuses on making sure Jongin's is being pleased enough. He has never done any of that before - expect for that one time with his girlfriend when he was still in high school - but it's different now, because it's Jongin in front of him, giving up to him and he has to make it good for him.

It's nothing like anything he experienced before but he loves his members enough - he loves Jongin more than enough - to be ready to do that much with him.

Jongin's moans turn high-pitched and much louder, loud enough to make Joonmyun worry someone might hear them, but at the same time, it only makes him accelerate his pace, ramming into him with the obscene sound of skin slapping echoing in the room but Jongin probably doesn't even notice, eyes fixed on Joonmyun and his toes curling as his orgasm nears.

Joonmyun feels it coming; from the way Jongin clenches almost painfully around him to his eyes rolling backwards. He comes with a choked groan, a sound so sudden and so singular that it resounds in Joonmyun's ears.

And that's only when Jongin came and he's slowly falling apart under the strength of his release that Joonmyun allows himself to get lost in the sensations; his hand still covered in cum curling around Jongin's hips and his thrusts intensifying. It isn't long before he gives up to the warmth around him and the little whimpers Jongin lets out caused by the overstimulation, cock twitching rapidly and he releases inside him.

He collapses against him, sweaty skin sticking to sweaty skin and he has to take a few seconds to pull himself together, the orgasm still tickling till the end of his toes. Jongin too, is breathing heavily under him, his hand lazily stroking his back as to help him calm down.

After a few long minutes, he peels himself off him and sits on the edge of the bed. "Where are you going?" Jongin asks then, a hint of worry and urgency in his voice.

"My bed?"

"Stay there," he offers instead, gesturing for the spot beside him. Joonmyun thinks it's weird, uncomfortable even, to be sleeping next to each other after what happened. He thinks about the other members probably already sleeping, oblivious of what just occurred between them and he blushes at the thought.

It's wrong what they're doing. The managers and the company would be pissed if they heard but Joonmyun believes it's more important to make Jongin feel confident about himself so he tries not to overthink it as he wraps his arms around his waist, his face nuzzled in his neck and he falls asleep like this.

 

The next morning he sees Jongin hesitates when he's about to chose his clothes, going for one of his ugly sweaters first and then renouncing to wear a long sleeves t-shirt. Joonmyun barely contains his smile and he rests his hand on the small of his back when they're in the elevator to whisper a "you look good like this" to his ear. Jongin's face flushes but later, during the photo shoot he looks way more relaxed, cheerful even and it has Baekhyun sulking because he looks way too hot.

Joonmyun thinks he looks hot too. What he did with him, he only did it to make him feel better, to make him feel loved and asking for more would be strange but yet, that is all he can think of. Jongin looked flawless with his lips parted and eyes filled with desire. He looked perfect and images of Jongin's dilated pupils are printed in his mind and will be forever. Joonmyun can't stop thinking about it and he hates himself for being such a selfish jerk.

 

The members notice the slight change in their relationship too - how could they not when they spend all their days together - but they don't say anything and Joonmyun tries to deal with it on his own.

He did his job as a leader, helping one of his member who needed it and he should be satisfied with just that.

 

They eventually go back to their dorm and to the tiring schedules and endless days and that night in Jeju-do remains as a treasured memory to Joonmyun. They don't talk about it. They don't mention it. They pretend it didn't happen. Or maybe they don't when Jongin leans his head against his shoulder in the car and then bolts up like he has been burned, face red and mumbling a quick "sorry".

They don't talk about it until that day of November when they're in the crowded photo studio, shooting for a magazine and the photographer asks Jongin to pose shirtless. Jongin's eyes widen, he hesitates, scowling and finally agrees after their manager gave him a look.

Joonmyun finds him ten minutes later in one of the changing room, dry heaving and tears pearling on his lashes.

"Jongin, what's wrong?" he asks alarmed, closing the door behind him and coming to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Jongin doesn't really answer, shoving his arm off and answering with a quiet "nothing".

"Is it because they asked you to take off your t-shirt?," he inquires softly. "I'll go talk to them if you want and tell them you can't," he offers because there's nothing that he hates more than seeing Jongin crying.

But Jongin stops him. "No! Don't!," he tells him. "I don't want anyone to know," he adds then quieter and Joonmyun nods, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I'll do it. I just need a moment."

"You don't have to, you know," he repeats because he doesn't want Jongin to feel pressured. "But as I already told you, you don't have anything to be embarrassed of. You look just right in every aspects." He wants to say more, to tell Jongin to stop worrying about his appearance because looks don't mean anything even though society tries to make him think otherwise but he's stopped by Jongin kissing him forcefully, his tongue running behind his teeth, maybe in an attempt to swallow all his compliments and confidence.

Joonmyun kisses back. Of course, he kisses back. As eagerly, if not more, and his hands sneaking under Jongin t-shirt to roam all over his back.

Finally after a minute or two - Joonmyun lost track of time the moment their lips met -, Jongin steps back, eyes still a bit red and he exits the room immediately, leaving Joonmyun dumfounded and with an unfamiliar tickling in his stomach.

When he comes back to the studio he sees him looking straight at the camera with half lidded eyes and with his abs highlighted by his seated position. Joonmyun swallows difficulty and bites down the lips Jongin were kissing only minutes ago.

 

He confronts him later that day, after thinking about it for hours, pondering wether he should talk about it with him or not but then he decides that he should, as a good leader and as a friend.

Jongin is in his room and he jumps when he opens the door. Joonmyun blushes too, like he always does nowadays when they're near each other. "Jongin," he says and Jongin's head springs up. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure," he squeaks, uneasy but trying to sound unaffected.

Joonmyun comes to the bed - it's becoming a habit now - and sits on the edge of it, with enough distance between them so they won't be uncomfortable even though Joonmyun wishes he could be close enough to Jongin to feel his body heat and to smell his freshly washed hair.

"I wanted to talk about what happened earlier," he starts, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt and searching for the right words. "In the studio." He glances towards Jongin whose neck is red and who keeps his gaze resolutely fixed on the floor.

"I'm sorry, hyung." Jongin's voice is small and timid and so unlike him that Joonmyun frowns. "It's just that...," he trails off and then clears his throat. "I feel comfortable around you. You give me confidence."

Joonmyun hums, encouraging. "That's what I always wanted," he tells him, knowing that there is more for Jongin to say.

"Yeah, me too. Thank you." He sounds sincere and it makes Joonmyun's heart swells.

"What is it, Jongin? You know you can tell me." He extends his hand to rest it above Jongin's and he instinctively wraps his small fingers around it, thumb stroking his knuckles. Jongin seems to sooth under his touch but the red of his face doesn't decrease.

"It's just that...," he swallows. "What we did in Jeju-do, I thought about it and," he looks at Joonmyun expectantly, "I only feel good when I know you're looking at me the way you did that night."

Joonmyun cocks his head, not sure he's understanding properly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I wish you would always look at me like that because-," he sighs. "Because I like it. And I feel so lonely when you don't," he lets out in one breath while Joonmyun stays there frozen.

It takes Joonmyun a few seconds to realize what Jongin just told him. And then when it hits him he's torn between asking him if he means kissing him is the cure to his self consciousness or if he's confessing to him right now. By the way his face is scarlet and he's looking anywhere but his face, Joonmyun is pretty sure it's the second option and it's even harder to understand.

He always felt attracted to Jongin, had been more than fulfilled by what they did in Jeju-do but contemplating developing feelings isn't something he had been prepared for.

"Maybe it's just because I made you feel good about yourself," he tries, tone calm and Jongin shakes his head vigorously.

"No," he says. "I tried to forget about it but I couldn't and then I realized that-," his voice becomes quieter, "I just really like you."

Joonmyun almost laughs incredulously and worries about how they're going to deal with that when they're being watched by fans and journalists 24 hours a day already fly through his head.

"I think my problem with my body," Jongin goes on, "appeared because I thought you would never like it, you would find me disgusting and I couldn't accept what I was feeling," he concludes and his hold tightens around Joonmyun's hand as to tell him not to go.

But Joonmyun has no intention of going anywhere so he just does - for the first time - what Joonmyun wants to do and not what Exo's leader should do and he takes Jongin's head between his palms, and leaning forward he presses a kiss to his lips. It's the second time they kiss he notes and it feels better than anything he has done in his whole life, so he just keeps going until they're both lacking air and then he tells Jongin not to worry because from now on they're going to be okay.

He doesn't know how he will announce it to the others or if they will have to stay hidden but either way it's fine, because he has Jongin.


End file.
